red balloons

Welcome to my world. And my story. And my true life fairy tale. And my happily ever after- interrupted.

I have never wanted anything more than an extraordinarily ordinary life- one where you meet your soulmate, decide to get married and spend the rest of your life learning about each other and growing together. I wanted to enjoy all the little moments with my family (husband, children, pets); a life where the most stressful thing in my day would be making the decision of what in the world to make for dinner for the 2,567th night in a row (which is the ABSOLUTE worst); a life where devoting an afternoon to one-on-one time with each of my children didn’t mean having to organize and coordinate the schedules of at least six other people as if I were organizing an army; and one where the ridiculous moments in life were just that- stories to be shared about a ridiculous moment in life to be laughed at, talked through and resolved together with the support of that one person who puts you before everything else in their life.

My hope is that by sharing my story and my perspective on life as learned through each chapter of my life- whether joyful, crazy or difficult (or all three)- that someone else may be touched or inspired. And even if one person can find a way to smile on a dark day because of something I’ve said, I’ll consider it a mission accomplished.

As for who I am in real life – I am an optimist and innately always look for the good in any situation. I believe that others are good and deserve good things. I will give up any of my own needs without limitations in order to help others achieve their goals- sometimes in a very unhealthy way. I try to live out to the letter the golden rule: “In everything, do to others as you would have them do to you” (Matthew 7:12). I am constantly hearing about how I am too nice and I am too sweet and I am too good to other people that have wronged me (in some major ways), but at the end of the day, the only behavior I can control is my own, and the only way that I can find inner peace is to be true to the personality that God gave me. While I believe that a majority of the times that I hear these words from others, they are meant as a compliment, I can’t help but think that there are times they are not- and it is in those moments that I can only say that in order to stay true to this particular piece of my personality, it has taken more strength than any one person should have to summon, and I don’t see my kindness to others as a sign of weakness.

I believe wholeheartedly that God is in control and that He has been with me through every chapter of this particular story. I believe that we, the people, need to be open to acting on His nudges and callings in order to fully appreciate the individual story that He has written for us, no matter how difficult, and sometimes also to be the blessing or lesson that someone else has been praying for. 

Now- I know- these words together are incredibly simplistic. The hard, dark, difficult things that life can throw at you are just that- hard, dark and difficult. I know how much the hard, dark and difficult can creep over your brain, melting like chocolate into every crevice, and they can take over every thought, every feeling, every moment. So the simple act of staying open to the good that God wants to pour into your mind, your heart and your life can seem impossible. 

But this is where the hard work of faith comes into play and the only strength and determination you can rely on is that which comes through your own personal relationship with God. Over and over and over I see, hear and read the often used verses of:

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

and

Romans 8:28 KJV: And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to [his] purpose.

As much comfort as these words are supposed to provide, I’m in a space where I cannot always find it. There are things in life that are completely out of your own control, and they are absolutely terrible. There is no immediate good to be found. There are days where there is no hope to be found. I hope and pray that these statements do not land in your heart or your mind- but if they do, please know my friend, that I feel you and I see your pain and while it’s absolutely not okay, you are not alone. I understand that as much as this basic tenet of my life regarding the good that God can provide seems simplistic, it is also one of the most difficult beliefs to continue to hold in my heart. (Again- welcome to my world.) 

I enjoy spending time with my family. I have five kiddos that range in age from 11 to 21. To say that I am busy is an understatement. Each of these kiddos is incredible and that’s not just mom pride talking. Some days they are incredible-y frustrating, but most days they teach me just as much as I am supposed to be teaching them. Each one of these kiddos has been through a lot- more than I had ever gone through at their age and even at my current age- which they think is pretty old. It’s a pretty common statement coming out of each of their mouths: “Mom, back in the olden days when you were little…” I usually get defensive and come back with “It wasn’t that long ago…” And then I realize it’s been almost 25 years since I graduated high school and I witnessed the creation of the internet and I used to drive everywhere without a cell phone so my parents could never check on me and this is a whole new world these kids live in.

They have handled everything they have been through with grace and an understanding that I’m not sure I would have. We feel everything together- the good, the bad and the ugly- and we still manage to laugh most days, even if it’s usually at my failed attempts at cooking dinner. (Common theme alert- I wish that I could be a good cook and that I could enjoy any aspect of cooking but in all reality most of the delivery drivers in our area know our address by heart and have complimented me on how good the house looks after I recently had it painted and I can’t even be overly concerned about that- it’s called survival.) 

From the time I was young, I have always written stories. I used to drive my mom crazy because I would spend all my time locked in my room, writing, typically with a pencil and a notebook since I grew up in the golden ages before laptops and tablets and cell phones were a thing, instead of being outside or running around with friends. Some days I would move out of my bedroom to our back deck with a glass of iced tea to enjoy the warm Minnesota summer breezes and the lake view, but not as often as I should have. And I definitely was not down actually swimming in the lake with my brother and sister and the rest of the neighborhood kids. (True fact, I am writing this now on the covered patio of a beach house while I let the kids sleep in- hot tea is on the table next to me and the February Florida breeze and view and sound of the ocean waves is absolute perfection.)

I have always wanted to write a book, but I know that is easier said than done and I’ve been waiting for inspiration for a good story. Life got busy- as it always does because, well, life- but every now and then, on the rare occasion when I had time to stop and think about what my dream would be, writing a book was always first on the list. I am lucky enough to have a full time job that I enjoy- I actually kind of fell into a job where I write for a living (a total God thing)- but it is technical business writing and doesn’t really allow the creativity of a fairy tale. And that was always my dream- to write the fairy tale.  

In April of 2021, my incredible and amazing husband, Todd, passed away unexpectedly. For the first time in my life, I was at a complete loss for words. For days and days that turned into weeks and weeks and now into months and months. But slowly- very slowly- as life has gone on and the world continues to turn, I’ve realized that God has written an amazing story for me and I truly lived that fairy tale I have always dreamed of writing. My words are starting to come back. I feel led to share this story- the good, the bad and everything in between.  

As a single mom to three busy boys with a full-time job, my life was busy. I was not looking to add anything to it, but this old friend from church kept asking me to meet for coffee. I had no idea how much he would teach me at the time, but one of the very first lessons I learned was that it was okay to take some time for me. To take a few hours to get away from daily responsibilities to have dinner at a restaurant that didn’t have a playground in it. To meet at the lake after dropping the boys off at school to hop in the kayak (never gracefully- I can’t even say how many times he cried laughing after I fell in) and enjoy a peaceful morning on the water. To get dressed up and go to the opera. He taught me how to take a deep breath and slow down, how to enjoy each and every moment, because as a widower himself, he knew too well how very short life can be.

I understand that there are so many stories and books and blogs and songs and podcasts and Instagram accounts and other sources of information out there about grief. It is completely overwhelming. But every situation is different and I can only hope that maybe a piece of my story will resonate with someone else- no matter what the source of the grief or struggle might be. 

I also feel the need to clarify that the only way I can authentically write this story is from my point of view only. The stories I write are mine to share. The feelings I share are mine to acknowledge. I am surrounded by so many amazing people that I believe God placed into my life right when and where I needed them to be- but I can’t speak for their feelings or their experiences, even as they live out and play huge roles in my story.

One day, I hope to be able to look back and see the positive ripple effects my story has had. I know this can’t take away or lessen the painful and difficult times I’m going through, but because my husband was an amazing person who always took care of others in whatever way he could (“Isn’t that what it means to be the church? To help someone in need?”), I hope to honor him by sharing what was a beautiful love story that I still cannot believe I was blessed with.