red balloons

I met Todd at church- I can’t even remember how many years ago. I remember our very first meeting so clearly- and it was years before I realized how much he would come to mean in my life. 

My first husband and I were members of and attended a United Methodist Church. For a brief period of time, we had a pastor that really liked to get the congregation involved. Now- if you are familiar with the Methodist church, you may have an understanding that a true Methodist just wants to sit in the back row of the sanctuary to enjoy the worship and message. We are not comfortable in the front row and audience participation is just not really our thing. At least, that’s how this particular Methodist feels. 

On this particular Sunday, my three boys were tucked away safely in Sunday school, and my husband and I were seated in the middle of the church, blending in nicely and enjoying the sermon. Our pastor asked us all to stand up, leave our seats and find someone new to introduce ourselves to, in an effort to get to know different members of the congregation. I feel like the “normal” thing to do would have been to move two rows back, find someone new seated there, and say “Hello.” But for whatever reason, that Sunday morning, I got up, walked all the way across the sanctuary to the second row (Todd was Catholic- he had no issue sitting as close to the front as he could get), and introduced myself to a stranger. We only had a few minutes before the pastor brought us all back to our seats, but in those few minutes, I learned a lot about New Orleans and how much family meant to the stranger in the second row. 

For years, we were in the same circles of Bible studies and small groups. We had a small group for parents of younger children that met every Wednesday night, and oh the stories that were shared and the support that was offered, because for real- parenting littles is HARD. It takes a village, am I right? And this group offered a village and then some. 

While the Wednesday evening group was a great group to be involved in, my main form of support in the church was a Bible study geared toward busy moms with young kids, which I happened to be in with Todd’s first wife, Christine. This group of moms was absolutely life-saving for me in so many ways, and I’m still struggling to find words to explain the bond that was created as we supported each other through some of the hardest circumstances life can throw at you, including divorce and sickness (cancer) and death. This particular group of women and the relationship we have is really a whole separate story in and of itself, and it deserves its own post- so more on that later.  

My point is this- through this Wednesday night small group, I spent years getting to know the spiritual side of someone that I had no idea would ever play any part in my future, and when I look back on how the story plays out, I think it was such a blessing and such a HUGE part of God’s plan to have us meet the way that we did. 

So life went on, and in the years between that first Sunday when I introduced myself to a random stranger and the day a message popped up in my Facebook messenger from one Todd Domangue, saying “Hey, remember me?”, so much had happened, including my own divorce and the devastating loss of his first wife to cancer, that I didn’t know what to think. We exchanged a few messages, I caught up on how his girls were doing and offered to help them in any way that I could- knowing the adjustment to single parenthood is not easy but not feeling equipped to be fully able to offer support for the grief they were going through, having had no close experience with death at that point in my life. 

And then he asked me to meet him for coffee. 

Although I was born and raised in Minnesota and am a northern girl at heart, my immediate response was a fully Southern “Oh bless your heart, but no.” 

Todd’s request for coffee was coming in at a time where I was on shaky ground with myself. Two years before, I had gone through a devastating (to me) divorce. The divorce itself was very civilized, if there is such a thing. We talked through every facet of our life, made decisions in an analytical manner and ended up filing an uncontested divorce- which basically just means we didn’t have to spend a lot of money on divvying up assets. But emotionally, and spiritually, I was a wreck. 

Until you are sitting across the table from the one who has vowed to love you unconditionally, until death do us part, living that extraordinarily ordinary life, celebrating your 10th anniversary, and have asked “Why are you being so mean to me? It doesn’t even seem like you like me, much less love me anymore” and have received the quite serious reply of “No, I don’t. And I don’t think I ever will,” you may not understand how completely someone else’s actions and words can steal your entire self-worth. 

Following the divorce, I spent a year in survival mode. As I mentioned before, when you become a single parent, there is a serious life adjustment. After that first year, I made a conscious decision to work on myself a little before jumping back into dating. After realizing how much of myself had been lost in my first marriage, I really wanted to take the time to learn who I was again. It sounds a little crazy, but there were so many habits and likes/dislikes that I had where I was honestly unsure if they were real or not. Instead of answering requests with a “yes” or “no,” I started giving myself time to ask internal questions such as “Am I saying yes because it is expected, or because I really want to do this?” or “Am I saying no because this scares me? And if so, why does it scare me? Why would I NOT be able to do this?” There were a lot of perceptions that I had of myself based on what I had been told about myself for years, and only a few of those were real. 

When I felt ready, my fantastic friends helped me set up a dating profile online, and I discovered that online dating was really NOT my thing. It works for many, and I applaud you for it, but at that point in my life, it was a no. I dated a few friends of friends- always have to love a blind date, right? (They should have- I was a serious catch!!) There were a few people that I saw more than once, and one that I really enjoyed spending time with. Todd’s coffee request just happened to come in on the same day that I got a text from this person, after months of dating, saying that as much as he liked me, he could not accept that I came along with three young boys. Now- I appreciated the honesty, but seriously, just because information CAN be sent via text, it doesn’t mean that it SHOULD be sent via text… 

While we were not a serious couple, and I had my own reservations about a future with this person, following the text break-up, I had decided that I needed a little more time to work on myself, without the complications of dating. And- again, I think this could sound a little crazy to some- deep down, I knew that Todd’s request for coffee was something much bigger than just a cup of coffee. I knew that if and/or when I said yes to coffee with Todd, it was going to change my life. I felt in my heart that God had a plan for the two of us, and I was not ready for that. 

I spent the next several months (seven, to be exact) exchanging occasional messages with Todd and putting in serious work on becoming who I wanted to be. I challenged myself to put aside all of my old fears and start saying yes. I went to a birthday party for a friend of the boys and actually held a snake. I asked a friend to go to the shooting range with me so I could shoot a gun. I ran two separate 5K races (maybe not so much a fear of running as much as a general unwillingness to try it in the past- and yes, one of these races involved wine in Napa valley immediately following the run so there was definite motivation involved in that one- but still, I signed up for and completed both).

One morning, I was walking back to the golf cart after dropping the boys at school (yes, I love where I live!!), and while I can’t remember exactly what I was thinking about, I heard a crystal clear voice in my head “Just say yes. To whatever opportunity comes up today, just say yes.” (I hope I’m not completely alone in having frequent inner dialogue.) I was completely shocked when, just 20 minutes later, a dear friend from my busy moms’ Bible study called to ask if I would consider getting onstage in front of a large group of women and share my story. I told her I needed time to think about it and pray about it, but I understood instantly that the words I heard in my head that morning had been God’s direct calling for me to just obey and do what he was asking of me. As I accepted the request and worked through my fear of public speaking in preparation for the event, I continuously prayed that God would help me to obey all his callings and not let fear get in the way. 

This was a lesson that I carried into my relationship with Todd when he reached out to me a month later with that same request for coffee, again. I’m sure he was shocked when I finally said yes. Throughout the beginning of our relationship, I had a lot of fears and if I had not done the work to get to a place in my heart where I could put all those fears aside and trust that God was working things out for me, our relationship would never have been as strong as it was. And as much as I struggle at times, thinking of the months of time that I could have had with Todd had I just said yes the first time he asked, I believe that those seven months devoted to working on strengthening myself were also necessary to help prepare for this current season of grief. 

Because while grief can be a whole lot of different things to different people, since it is unique to each and every person that has to walk through it; for me, there is a lot of fear included. There are so many unknowns and the futures of five beautiful, amazing kids at stake. So as I struggle with the overwhelming sadness and the never ending question of why- I also know that I need to give up any demands to have total control over my life (since we really don’t have much in the grand scheme of things) and give those fears to God. While I do not understand why my story is unfolding the way it is, and I do not understand why God would put me in the middle of such a beautiful love story, only to cut it short a mere 26 months later, I do know that when those fears are given over to God, amazing and beautiful things can come out of it. 

So I finally said yes, I’ll meet you for coffee- our real story began and the rest is history…

(Side note: I wrote the bulk of this post months ago. I can’t help but smile at the irony that it works so well to be posted on Easter. Three years ago, in 2019, Easter Sunday was the first time Todd and I went to church together as a couple. 

One year ago, in 2021, Easter Sunday was the last Sunday and last holiday that our crew spent as a complete family. It is the last picture I have of Todd and me together. This year, Easter happens to fall in the same week of the anniversary of his passing. It’s been a difficult few weeks, and as we sat in church hearing the Easter story this morning, I kept thinking about how to possibly try to find the good, the red balloon, in a holiday that has a few tie-ins to our story and painfully bittersweet memories from last year. 

In the spirit of full transparency, I would love to be able to write something profound here, but honestly, the kids and I started watching a scary movie last night, which meant I had to stay up late to watch all the way to the end to make sure aliens weren’t taking over the world for real (and spend 20 minutes planning our emergency escape with the kids just in case aliens do in fact invade- Minnesota here we come!), then put together Easter joy (aka baskets) for five kids till the early hours of the morning, then get up a very few short hours later to make them breakfast and be excited when they discovered their baskets and herd them through showers (which they all hate- for reasons I do NOT understand!!) and dressed in Easter clothes and by the time we all landed in seats in church, I was too tired to find any clear answers or inspiration. But we definitely did have a lovely Easter as I hope you all did too!)