red balloons

It took me seven months to agree to coffee with Todd through Facebook messenger. When I finally did, I sent him my number as well. He very sweetly asked if it would be okay if he called me that evening. I was traveling for work and had spent a happy hour with work friends, so I may have had a few more glasses of wine than if I had been at home on single mom duty, but still I felt like it was a good sign when we talked for close to four hours that first night. From that point on, there was not a day that we didn’t speak- typically for hours at a time.

Coffee turned to sushi which turned to fancy dinners in Atlanta and needing formal wear for the opera. 

We would meet for coffee or at the lake for an early morning swim (he swam, I would paddle), head to work for a few hours, either meet for lunch or I would cook (if I’m being totally honest, I would order delivery and slide it onto plates…I made a great poke bowl), then we would meet to run errands together in the evening when we could. 

My boys were still a little too young to be left alone for long, and at that point I was still in mama bear protective mode. I was determined that they were not going to meet anyone unless there was serious long-term potential, and I was still doing everything I could to accept and believe that what Todd and I had was real. He truly seemed too good to be true. Things were not always completely perfect, but as far as qualities and attributes I had prayed for, he had them all and then some. 

There was a point, not long before I had that moment of complete surrender to give all my fears over to God that I wrote about in my last post, where a very good friend (I always find myself saying that- but really, I would not have gotten through everything I have been through without the support of my friends, and every single one of them has played a vital role in where I am today so yes, they are ALL very good friends- I just don’t know how to have friendships that are not that close- even if I am absolutely TERRIBLE at responding to anyone or anything on all social media, please know that I am excited and smiling at all of your wins and praying for you when you need it. I am one of those people who will read your text, respond in my mind, and realize two weeks later that I never actually typed that response out… I promise to work on that at some point) picked me up one evening to grab a coffee and wander a store for a bit. Y’all- support for a friend does not always need to be something extravagant that takes lots of planning and/or time. This was a last minute- hey, I’m free, do you have anything going on? And then she was in my driveway putting me in her car and off we went for Starbucks and HomeGoods and that combination is a daily dream when you are a busy single mom. 

I had hit a very low point the week before this shopping excursion. It was Halloween 2018. While I do not remember the specifics of what was causing stress (except I know my dryer had died a final death – I have the pictures to remember the amount of laundry that piled up in the five days it took for a new one to arrive…), it’s probably more a matter of naming any one thing in my life that was NOT stressful, and I was to a point where my body was shutting down. I remember the morning very clearly. I woke up sicker than I had been in years. But single parents don’t get to be sick, and especially not on a holiday that your kids have been excited about for weeks. I dragged myself away from throwing up long enough to get the younger two boys into their costumes for their day at school. I made breakfast, lunches, checked backpacks and loaded them up in the car to drive the four blocks to school because it was too cold outside to take the golf cart and headed down the street. We were two blocks away from home when I couldn’t take it anymore and straight up asked the boys, “Do y’all hear the car meowing or am I hallucinating?” To which they answered, “Yes, mom, it is meowing.” 

I pulled over immediately and shut the car off. I would like to think that had I not been sick, I would have known exactly what to do. But even then, I’m not sure I would have. I knocked on the hood a few times and the meowing got louder. I popped the hood open but could not see anything because of the plastic cover that spanned the entire “under the hood” area of the car (don’t ask me for technical terms when it comes to vehicles). 

At that point, God sent me an angel. A complete stranger pulled over in front of me and asked if I needed help. I’m certain he figured he maybe needed to quickly jump start my car and he would be off taking care of his own day. When I told him that I thought there was a cat in my car, he sat quiet for a moment, then made me promise that if he helped me get it out, I would not allow his wife to take it home. I assured him that I would figure out what to do with the cat, and we contacted his wife, who agreed to head our way with tuna as soon as she could because this kitten was not coming out on her own without some type of incentive. 

In the meantime, my boys were late for school and still too young to walk the rest of the way on their own. This gentleman handed me (a woman who had spent the morning kneeling in front of the toilet being sick, managed to brush her teeth and that was about it- full on wearing pajamas and absolutely not planning to be seen, much less leave the car to bring the children into the school building…) the keys to his truck and told me to go ahead and deliver the boys to the school and he would stay with my car and the cat. This absolutely blew me away- that a complete stranger would let me drive his truck- but I also realize this is what being a good person is- helping others in any way that you can. 

The tuna did the trick and this tiny, hungry kitten crawled up to the smallest opening she could find, which meant we still couldn’t get her out. I had to walk the two blocks home to pick up tools to remove the plastic cover that was blocking her exit, jumped into my golf cart, headed the two blocks back to where I was parked, get the kitten out of the actual car, feed her, wrap her in blankets, drive the golf cart home with a scared kitten wrapped in a blanket in one arm, deposit scared kitten into the bathroom where if she went to the bathroom I could easily clean it, and where I could easily find her again; then walk the two blocks back to my car and drive it home, all while figuring out what in the world I was going to do with the kitten, and also doing my very best not to be sick- this was the type of sick where it hurt to move and I wanted nothing more than to curl up in bed and do nothing. These are the type of moments that single parents face and when you are already physically at your lowest, it’s incredibly difficult. 

But back to those very good friends- by the time I got home, I was texting a friend who I knew had a cat, and she showed up within an hour with a litter box, litter, kitten food and all the advice that I needed to get through a few days. She saw how sick I was and sent me to bed while she cleaned my kitchen and took care of everything for this kitten. I had another very good friend who stepped up and picked up my oldest son, Jack, that afternoon when he returned back to town from an overnight field trip he had been on for school. And yet another very good friend who picked up the younger boys and brought them home from school- high on a sugar rush from all the Halloween activities at school that day. She made sure we were good for dinner. And, while the divorce was hard on me, my ex-husband has always remained involved with the boys; he stepped up and came to pick up the boys and bring them trick or treating in the neighborhood while I slept. 

So, one week after Halloween, on the day that my very good friend picked me up for Starbucks and HomeGoods shopping, I remember very clearly that I was picking out the most princess-like food and water dishes for this new kitten, who we name Houdini in honor of the fact that she escaped the engine of my car, that I had had zero desire to keep but that had 100% chosen me as her person.

As we sat in the car outside of HomeGoods, my friend asked me how I was really doing, and I broke down. Quick side note: I would encourage you to pay attention to when someone might need the extra push in a conversation: “How are you doing?” “Oh I’m fine” “But how are you REALLY doing?” Sometimes it takes that extra “REALLY” for someone to understand that you REALLY truly are there to listen. But also, make sure you are ready to REALLY listen if you offer up that option. 

Although there are so many moments that I can point to where God provided everything I really needed, being a single parent is hard. There are a lot of heavy, real-life decisions that have to be made daily that affect not only you, but your children too, and it can wear you down. And that was where I was that evening. This friend promised to pray for me, and she also encouraged me to continue to pray, and to pray very specifically, for what I wanted for my future, including a future partner. 

As I got to know Todd more and more, he continued to check every box that I had developed on that very specific prayer list following that night. Every time I learned something new about him, I would tuck it away as another answered prayer and shake my head in disbelief. I had done the hard work to rebuild my self-worth following the divorce, and I knew I was an amazing catch, but I always still had that little bit of doubt that I would ever actually find someone who would be everything that I wanted. Slowly, day by day, that doubt grew smaller and smaller as I got to know Todd better and better until I finally had to admit what my heart had always known- Todd and I were truly meant to be. 

The first time Todd said the big L-word, we had been texting all day (to be honest- pretty much from the moment we met it was non-stop- I knew I was acting like a teenager obsessed with a boy, but it was also lovely). He asked for my opinion on how he should handle a situation that had come up that day- although I cannot remember the specifics of it, I remember that my response was possibly a bit of a challenge. I knew it wasn’t really something he wanted to hear, but I explained why I thought it would benefit him in the end. The texting dots started flashing, then stopped, then flashed again, then stopped. Finally, a text came through that just said “I have something to tell you. It’s really important, but I need to tell you in person. When are you free?” 

I let him know that if it was really important, I could possibly get away for 15 minutes after dinner that night, or I could meet him in the morning after I had dropped the boys off at school. He told me it was urgent and he couldn’t even wait that long; this was an endearing part of his personality- but also a frustrating one at times. When Todd felt something, he felt it big and he did not hesitate to share. I agreed to take the 15 minutes right away and let him know when I was on my way to meet him. 

I was a little worried about what was coming my way- I thought maybe he was going to break things off and kept re-reading my text to him to see if I had been rude or dismissive in any way. I was trying to be appreciative of the fact that he at least didn’t break things off via text- as apparently that’s what we’ve come to in our current society. So when I pulled up next to him in the church parking lot and he jumped out of his truck to greet me, pulled me in for a kiss and proceeded to tell me that he loved me, including each and every part of me that he loved and the reason why, it was not exactly what I was expecting. I remember he was wearing blue, which was my favorite color on him as it made his eyes look like an intense blue (blue eyes- one of those answered prayers I mentioned- although his could also be gray or green depending on what he wore and how he was feeling). 

I also know the extreme patience he displayed as it took me a few more weeks to say it back to him. I am someone who needs to take my time to process things- this is who I am and who I have always been. I know this drove him crazy, as he would want me to have an immediate answer to everything, and I needed to process pros, cons, and- as a side effect of rebuilding myself following the divorce- to examine where my true feelings were coming from. Also- I was slowly working through that doubt that I mentioned before.

I had a hard time trusting that immediate, deep connection that we had during our first coffee date. By date number three, we had talked about the deepest hurts each of our hearts had to handle through the end of our first marriages, which were experiences that neither of us would have wished on anyone else, as well as how we had coped, lessons we had learned and how we wanted to be able to let someone new into those broken pieces to build a future together. 

I was terrified of the depth of our connection and the possible outcomes, and with every conversation we had about it, his response to me was, “Life is so short. If this is something that makes you happy, why shouldn’t you expect to be happy? Let’s live life together. Take the chance.” So, even though it took me awhile, I’m so incredibly thankful that I trusted him and finally admitted I was falling in love with him too. 

We quickly reached a point where it was time to introduce the kids. I remember telling the boys that I had someone who was important to me that I wanted them to meet. My youngest son, Mason’s immediate question was “Does this mean he is our stepdad?” I wasn’t there yet so I explained that Todd was just someone who I enjoyed spending time with, and I hoped that we could all spend more time together in the future. In my mind, I kept running through the movie, The SandLot, which we had just watched the week before, where the stepdad owned the autographed baseball that went over the fence. I was connecting to the mom’s desire to have the stepdad bond with the child. (Before becoming a divorced single mama, I do NOT remember so many of those classic 80s and 90s movies including a single mom. I mean- E.T.- Elliott’s mom was dealing with some major post-divorce trauma- the dad was off on an exotic vacation with the new girlfriend?! What?! How did I never pick up on that?!? Of course she didn’t notice an alien living in her house! It’s amazing what you focus on when you’re in different stages of life.) 

As I put the boys to bed that night, my middle son, Alex, asked me if Todd was bald (kind of), then if he owned a cat (yes- and at first I thought this was just because Alex loves that kitten, Houdini, so much), then if Todd liked to sit with and pet the cat. He explained further that bad guys were bald and like to sit and pet their cats. Dear Lord- I made it through the conversation with a straight face, but that one always makes me giggle. He must have watched Austin Powers somewhere around that time. He also asked me how strict Todd was- I think his sweet little mind was jumping light years ahead of where I was and he was trying to figure out how much he would be able to get away with. (The answer ended up being- he could get away with absolutely nothing and Todd’s level of discipline was exactly what the child needed to become the amazingly sweet person he is today.) 

We made big plans- with Todd basically being a grown boy, he was excited to take the boys to Sky Zone to jump and play basketball. I watched his youngest daughter, Kylie, do flips for a good hour. We went out for pizza afterwards and I started to relax into the evening. After pizza, we headed back to my house. It warmed my heart when Mason tried to sit right next to Todd on the couch- right up until he actually sat on his lap and farted on him. I have no idea what the child was thinking and I also really wish I had had a camera to capture the look on Todd’s face as he realized what had happened. And probably my face as well. That moment solidified a bond between the two of them that only grew stronger through the two years we had with Todd. Mason frequently tells me that he is a “mini-Todd” which I absolutely love. 

What happened next is difficult to share, but was one huge building block to our relationship and just one more giant neon flashing sign to me that this was meant to be. Although we were at my house, because we had driven Todd and Kylie with us for the evening, I had to bring them home. And because we wanted Hayley, who had to work and wasn’t able to join us that evening, to meet the boys officially as well, we piled EVERYONE back into the car for the less than 10 minute drive to their house. 

Before I go any further, I want to explain that I love all five of my kids with all my heart. Each one of them has a unique personality and I absolutely love seeing who they are turning out to be. But that process of becoming who they are has not always been easy. I have done everything in my power to give them everything they could possibly need. But there are times where as a parent, you cannot fix things for your child. Sometimes it is due to choices that they make on their own, and as they are their own individual person, there is nothing that you, as the parent, can do about it, aside from being there to help guide them through the consequences for whatever choice they make. It took me years- YEARS- to learn this concept. I had to learn it by sheer repetitive practice, as I spent YEARS unable to understand, control or guide my Alex. This child is the sweetest, most loving, caring boy with the biggest heart. But it took us some years to get to this point. Once again- I think this is a whole separate post. It is very much related to the divorce, and also very much related to my viewpoint on mental health, especially in kids, and the absolute mess that is trying to find appropriate healthcare for kids who are STRUGGLING emotionally. My experience was 100% pre-pandemic and I am overwhelmed thinking about how much kids have been through in the last few years- this is a topic I am pretty passionate about. 

So I’ll just get to the point that is relevant to this piece of the story- I struggled for years with Alex and his behavior. I should have been aware that in this particular situation: 1. Hours at Sky Zone had already exceeded his stimulation limit for the day. 2. He thought the schedule included going out to jump, have dinner, and go home- an extra trip to Todd’s house was not part of the agenda. 3. It was later in the evening and 4. His brothers had also reached their limit on tolerating each other and this extra trip in the car was asking a lot of them.

In the less than 10 minutes it took to get to Todd’s house, a fight broke out between Jack and Alex. True to form, Alex turned and took his anger out on little brother Mason, who was unsuspecting and completely innocent. It turned physical immediately. As the driver of the vehicle, I had zero power to stop it. We had reached a level of tantrum that would typically lead to me physically restraining and holding the child for hours on end by the time I had a chance to get near him. I could tell that Todd wanted to intervene, but let me control the situation. By the time we parked in his driveway, I asked him to take Jack and Mason inside to meet Hayley and I would handle calming Alex down. By the time Hayley came out to the car to meet Alex, I had him mostly restrained, nowhere near calm, and I was sure that was the end of this relationship. Taking on someone else’s children, especially when they have some special needs, is a lot to ask of anyone. 

As I crawled into bed that night, I was certain that I might not hear from Todd for a few days- if ever. Right as my head hit the pillow, my phone rang, and it was him, reassuring me that the behavior hadn’t scared him at all, and in fact he had worked with other children with the same type of issues early in his career as a therapist. We dove deep into the path I had been down with Alex and by the time we hung up, I knew that a major step had been taken. For the first time in a very long time- almost three years- I felt like I had someone I could lean on when it came to working through some difficult parenting choices and to bounce ideas off of while trying to decide how to help my child flourish instead of struggle. I finally had someone who looked at the child and the behavior and said, “Let’s solve this” instead of saying “You’re not a good enough parent- he’s not getting what he needs” (which I heard- often- in exactly those terms- and is something that I will NEVER tell any parent- ever- and was a big piece of that whole rebuilding self-worth process I had to go through).

So with kids all introduced, it became easier and easier to spend all of our time together. We started planning which nights of the week would be dinner at which house. As I mentioned last week, we had our big debut as an actual couple at church on Easter Sunday. While kids were at school during the day, we still had breakfast dates and lunch dates and the amount of time we spent together was probably excessive. But it just kept getting better. 

We had our fights- yes- but through our prior marriages, we both had an understanding of the way we would want a future relationship to work, and we focused, a lot, on communication and talked through any issue as it came up. We were able to build a solid foundation that continued to prove to me just how good something could be when it was truly meant for you. I continued to pray and calm my heart and nerves by knowing that if it was truly meant to be, it would be. 

And for us, it was very clearly meant to be.