red balloons

Chattanooga, Tennessee, is a beautiful little city tucked in the southeast corner of the state. It is a short, two-hour drive from our home in Georgia, and during the last 12 years of making the drive home to Minnesota, has always been a place I thought I might like to spend more time. As you approach the city, you are traveling through beautiful, scenic mountains. When you come over the top of the hill and around a curve, the city is laid out below you, with the river sparkling in the background and more mountains rising on the other side of it. It is absolutely breathtaking, and honestly always brought back happy childhood memories of a similar city in Minnesota, Duluth, which has the same awe-factor when you come over the hill and around the curve, but is set on Lake Superior instead of the Tennessee River. 

The first time that Todd mentioned Chattanooga to me, I was on my girls’ trip to Napa Valley, California. It was still early in our relationship, and I don’t know if it was just that he wanted to take me away from day-to-day responsibilities and spoil me, or if he heard how happy and relaxed I was while on vacation and wanted to spend time with me in that mindset, but he mentioned that he would really like to take me away somewhere when I got back from my trip. Being a gentleman, as always, he told me he didn’t want to put on any pressure, but he really just wanted to make some memories together. I told him to start thinking of where and I would check my schedule. 

Two weeks later, he was picking me up in his truck and we were on our way for a night out in Chattanooga. We held hands for the whole drive and talked about everything and anything. I remember having conversations about past road trips and the habits we both had. He told me that he knew he spent too much time on the phone for work and the fact that I had his attention for the whole two-hour trip was intentional, even though it was a Saturday. It was a conversation we would go back to time and time again, as his truck was probably his most used conference call location. 

We arrived at the Moxy Hotel in downtown Chattanooga in the late afternoon. He had warned me that it was a hotel geared toward millennials, and he wasn’t wrong. The check in desk was the bar, and you immediately received chips for free drinks during your stay. We enjoyed a drink and then headed to the room to change for dinner. The decor of the hotel was very much a New York vibe. When we got to the room itself I had to laugh- there was a window from the shower to the bedroom, and the blinds were on the outside. I had to make him promise that he wouldn’t mess with them when I was in the bathroom- I also threatened to lock him out in the hallway if he didn’t agree. 

Because of the great location of the hotel, we were able to walk a few blocks to dinner. As we walked, we held hands, and at one point he stopped me, pulled me in for a hug, and said, “I cannot believe that I am on a trip with THE Jill Early. Who would have ever thought this would be real?” 

(I’m about to give a little relationship advice- feel free to roll your eyes or raise an eyebrow- I completely get it, as a single 42-year old woman, I may be the LAST person you feel you need to take relationship advice from. I’m with you- but also- just listen. Let me use the experience I’ve been through for some kind of good… ) Friends, let me encourage you, if you are in a relationship with someone you love- DO MORE OF THIS. Let that person know how incredibly lucky you feel to be able to spend time with him or her each and every day. Whether you have been together for one month or fifty years, it’s never a bad idea to let that person know that they are amazing, and that you know it. 

Todd was always very vocal with me about how thankful and lucky he felt to be spending time with me. He frequently told me that when he first saw my ex-husband, all he planned to say to him was, “Thank you.” While I was going through the divorce, early on in the process as I was devastated and felt broken, I had several very good friends who told me that someday I would meet someone who would understand the value I would bring to his life, and who would thank John for leaving. The fact that this came true felt like a full circle to me. 

Back to my story- although it was a busy time on a beautiful Saturday night, and there were crowds everywhere we went, we walked into the Feed Table & Tavern and Todd was able to secure us a table immediately. This was a special talent he had that I could never figure out. His ability to walk up to anyone and everyone and charm his way into becoming an immediate friend, and someone that he or she would do a favor for, was one of the things I loved most about him, mostly because I knew the interest in the other person was genuine, and was actually not just to get what he wanted, which was very attractive to me. (I cannot say how many times we would go out for breakfast and by the time our pancakes were delivered to the table, our server would have a job interview lined up to work for Todd. It was endearing. But also- sometimes- this introvert just wanted some darn coffee and pancakes.)

We had an amazing dinner, accompanied by some excellent cocktails and followed by dessert, then left to walk back to the hotel. We stopped for another drink, then an Uber pulled up to pick us up and Todd told me he wanted to show me the riverfront area. As we walked in the riverfront park to the pier, he told me about the Ironman triathlon races he had completed in Chattanooga, and really everywhere else as well. Racing and competition was a passion of his. I understood that this was a large part of who he was, and honestly y’all, it made me very nervous. 

When I married my first husband, neither one of us had any real “athletic” hobbies. We spent a lot of time going to the movies and checking out new restaurants. When our first son Jack was one year old, my then husband picked up running as a hobby. He is a very driven, focused person, so instead of just running for the benefits that it provides, he immediately signed up to run a marathon in Memphis, where we were living at the time. As his wife, I was supportive of the new interest and was happy that he found something he was passionate about. Although his job had him traveling essentially Sunday through Friday every single week, when he was home, I would continue to take care of Jack while he would disappear to train for seven or eight hours each Saturday in order to get in the miles he needed for the race. 

I knew the marathon was important to him, so I was there to make sure he had what he needed to be successful, although it left me with very little time to focus on myself or anything I needed. He finished the marathon, and as we made other moves in life- new jobs, more children, a new state- his interest in hobbies and activities that improved his fitness level increased. I continued to be supportive in any way that I could. He had a goal to be below a certain level of body fat. I understood the goal and did everything I could to try and help support him. 

But here is where we broke down a bit- and I can acknowledge my part in this breakdown completely- although I struggle with the way it played out in my life. First, I do NOT believe that in a relationship, both people need to have the exact same interests. While having similar interests and things in common can help you grow close, I am a firm believer that you each should also have your own hobbies and time. And with those different interests, you can be each others’ greatest cheerleaders. I believe that as you go through life, live through certain circumstances and experiences, your interests will change. And if you are not willing to accept that will happen to your person, or if you expect that person to change and grow in the same exact way that you do, you will be disappointed. (Again- with the relationship advice- sorry!)

While my ex-husband’s interest in losing body fat was a high priority for him, and I supported it fully, I was a busy mom of three babies. I understood his drive and was impressed by his initiative to workout every morning and his self-discipline in the kitchen. At the same time, I was feeling incredible pressure to be a supermom, and that was my sole focus. Also, and this is true to this day, I will never be convinced that one’s body weight/type is an indicator of someone’s character, or whether they deserve to be respected or loved. Although I think it is an impressive initiative and shows definite self-discipline to reach a certain body weight, none of that makes you better than anyone else. 

Without getting too much further off topic, I would encourage you in any relationship to support your person in their pursuits, whatever they might be. While you may not understand how in the world that topic or activity is the least bit interesting, the way his or her eyes light up or voice changes while they talk about it should warm your heart and make you feel happy, because he or she is happy. Because in that relationship, if you truly love that person, his or her happiness should be important to you too.

On that note, on that first night down by the riverfront in Chattanooga, I could see exactly how happy triathlons and competition made Todd. He was passionate about them, and his face lit up as he told me about the full Ironman that he completed. He talked about the friends he did the races with, and because he was never one to just do things on the same level as most people, he told me about the adventure races he used to do, including being lost in the mountains in the middle of the night during a blizzard. Absolutely none of this sounded like anything I wanted to be a part of, but I promised him that I would always be there at the finish line, cheering him on in the most obnoxious way possible. We took a selfie by the Chattanooga sign next to the riverfront, and it’s still one of my favorite photos of the two of us, because the ridiculous smiles on our faces reach our eyes, and it perfectly captures how much we both enjoyed our time together that weekend. 

Less than two months later, we were back in Chattanooga again, but this time for an actual race. In the few months leading up to the race, I had watched his devotion to training for the race unfold and was continuously surprised at how he managed to complete the necessary training in a way that did not affect the amount of time he spent with his girls or with me. My history with my ex-husband’s training for the marathon made me very cautious, as I did not want to be made to feel like a secondary obligation, only to be considered after the training was complete, but Todd had a way of bringing me into the training with him as much as possible. 

No, I did not ever start running with him, or biking or swimming for that matter, but he found ways for us to spend time together. When he would go to the lake to swim, I would meet him there to kayak alongside him. When he would take breaks, he would hold the front of the kayak and we would talk. The peaceful, quiet water calmed my heart while he focused on what he needed to do. When he would plan long rides on the bike, he would often leave from the farm owned by his friend, which also happened to be where he kept his camper. He would make a date night out of it, bringing me with him the night before the ride, where we would go to his favorite restaurant in the quaint, small Southern town nearby and spend the night in the camper. I was able to sleep in, wake up and spend quiet time reading until he returned from his ride, and we would spend the rest of the day together. 

The week leading up to this particular race had been busy. Hayley graduated from high school. I knew it was going to be a hard week for them. I had been spending a lot of time with Todd on a daily basis, and he shared how unfair it all felt, having to go through the week without Christine. I could see that his way of coping included staying incredibly busy. He scheduled himself that Friday with little time between her graduation ceremony, celebration at home with family and friends, and leaving to get to Chattanooga in the middle of the night so he could prepare for the race that Sunday. While I recognized the coping strategy, I never in a million years would have guessed that I would understand the urge to fill every moment with obligations in order to escape my own grief within two very short years. 

I joined him in Chattanooga on Saturday, after dropping the boys off with their dad. We stayed in a house with several of Todd’s friends that were also racing. We had a fabulous dinner at the house and everyone went to bed early in anticipation of an early morning start for the swim. Because I promised to be that amazing cheerleader, my tired self was at the riverfront bright and early to make a spectacle of myself (I’m not exaggerating much here- I never would have guessed I would be such a competitive sideline participant but after years of cheering for the boys in lacrosse and one season of cheering for Kylie in softball, I’m pretty much an expert at screaming as loud as I can until they roll their eyes and shake their head at me) as he transitioned from swim to bike. The energy in the area was fun, and it was definitely worth the early morning to see him energized and excited for the race. 

I tracked his progress on my phone while I bounced from Starbucks to the air conditioned bar. I made sure I was at the riverfront to take his picture and get a quick kiss as he transitioned from bike to run, and then wandered downtown and ended up back at the bar. I made sure to be at the finish line well before the tracker showed him getting close. While I snapped quite a few finish line photos, my very favorite was the one where he first saw me (after I screamed his name like a crazy person). Even after swimming, biking and running 70.3 miles, the huge, sweet smile that spread across his face as he raised his finger to point at me completely melted my heart. (I recently shared this picture with a friend of his, and she pointed out that it was a live photo. Thank goodness for technology- I will always have the ability to relive the exact moment that that smile spread across his face.) 

While I wanted to focus on just our time in Chattanooga itself within this post, I feel like this is a natural place to explain what happened just after this race. We drove home late Sunday, following the race. Todd had been going nonstop since the middle of the week before (again using that “keeping busy” coping strategy to handle his grief). He took the day off from his normal 5:30 a.m. workouts on the Monday following the race. On Tuesday morning, as I drove home from dropping boys at school, he called to tell me about “something funny” that had happened at the gym that morning. As he had started out on a run, he got very dizzy and passed out. He had been working out with a friend who worked in the medical field who acted quickly, and within 30 seconds he was fully conscious again and refusing any type of ambulance service. 

He had scheduled an appointment with his cardiologist for later that day and asked if I could join him. Because the appointment was an hour away, and due to a deadline at work that I could not get out of, as well as the need to be home to pick up kids from school, I was not able to be there. This is a day I will always regret. As he came to see me later that evening, being dropped off by a friend, I still don’t think I understood the gravity of what had happened to him that morning. Even as we sat on the couch talking, Hayley showed up at the front door and I couldn’t help but laugh as the child turned into a parent for a moment and she said, “What are you doing here? How did you get here? You were not supposed to get out of bed!” It was probably then that I fully understood that he was still recovering from what he had tried to pass off as a minor incident. 

The cardiologist he had seen that day advised him to get his valve replaced as soon as possible. Before proceeding with that recommendation, Todd was put in touch with another cardiologist for a second opinion. The second opinion had the exact opposite recommendation, and indicated that there was no reason for Todd to restrict his activities in any way. I can look back now and wish I had pushed a little further, but trusted his choice to follow the recommendations of the second opinion doctor. 

As we talked over what had happened, and as time passed, Todd shared with me that when he first passed out, he felt an overwhelming sense of peace. He said he hadn’t wanted to wake up and he had felt Christine pulling at him. But he also heard someone say, “You’re not done yet.” And then he woke up. 

And y’all, this event, this “episode” as he called them, and his words about that sense of peace that he felt has brought an incredible amount of comfort to me in the days, weeks and months following his death. While I will never understand on this side of heaven why in the world I was only allowed to have happiness with him for such a very short amount of time, I believe that perhaps the reason he wasn’t done yet was because we hadn’t had time to fulfill our love story. 

I’ve read many grief articles and blogs since Todd’s death, and one of my favorite quotes is this, “I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, but I’m honored that you chose to spend the rest of your life with me.” I believe his purpose, and the reason that he came back on that Tuesday morning, was to love me, to show me what it meant to be well and truly loved for who I am, and to solidify the uniquely blended family that is now all mine.

(because there is so much more to the story of Chattanooga in our lives, I broke this post down into two separate stories. There are a lot of difficult memories to work through in connection to this part of our story- I’m here for it, but need to take it one step at a time… stay tuned next week for the conclusion of how this beautiful little city has become a huge red balloon in our story.)