red balloons

While I like to think that we would have been in Chattanooga frequently, 2020 was a crazy year, and we did not make it back until April 2021. Todd was signed up to compete in the same Ironman half-triathlon that I had seen him complete in 2019. The triathlon itself was in May, but a local tri club was hosting a training weekend in April and he decided to sign up for that as well. He cheerfully booked a condo in downtown Chattanooga for both the training weekend and race weekend. I knew we were leaving on a Friday, so I took the whole day off, just in case he wanted to leave early in the day- I had gotten used to his last minute planning and wanted to be sure that I wasn’t stressed trying to get things together to leave. We had been crazy busy with the kids for several weeks, and I was really looking forward to a weekend with just my husband (and his friend that was training as well, but mainly just to not have to deal with the demands of the kids for a brief 48-hour window). I wanted to be relaxed and fully enjoy that time with him. 

As the weekend got closer, Todd let me know that he had no plans to leave until after work that day, close to dinner time. I took advantage of the day off from work and booked a hair appointment in the early afternoon. I have a lot of hair, and any time that I go in for a full color and cut, I’m looking at a minimum of two and a half hours in the chair. I was about one hour into the appointment when I got the first text from him, asking me to please order him some lunch to be delivered. I am a fantastic wife and ordered his favorite, and had it sent to the office. And then he let me know that he was actually at home, packed and ready to leave when I got home, but no later than 3:00 p.m. Now, I was packed, in an effort to save myself stress, and was trying to relax into an appointment that should be about self-care. But as I sat in the chair, with absolutely no way to be done before that time, and just wanting to close my eyes and relax, instead I was busy calling the food delivery company to make sure that his lunch could be sent to the house instead of his office, and also trying to figure out which steps I could ask my stylist to skip in order to get out of the salon as soon as possible. I decided that he was going to have to wait for the appointment to be over, as I had no idea when I might get another chance to take the time needed and my hair was in desperate need of some care. I let him know I would be home by 3:30 p.m. (which is still way before the original “dinner time” plans he had told me). 

I did ask him why he felt the need to leave so early, and he told me it was because he wanted to treat me to a really nice dinner that night, but in order to do so, we needed to get there early. The night before, we had laid in bed watching a cooking competition show. One of the dishes looked so amazing, I told him I wanted to find a restaurant that would serve that type of food. He was really just trying to make me happy. (As a side note, the cooking show made him want to get out of bed, get dressed and hit up the Waffle House at midnight, but we decided against it- if I had known it would be one of my last nights with him, we would have been eating waffles by 12:15. Live your life, take advantage of every opportunity to make memories with your people, and if someone wants waffles in the middle of the night- go get them!)

I walked in the door at 3:28 p.m. and he immediately started loading his bike into my car, along with his luggage. I promise, I was fully packed. And I should have been ready to go within five minutes. For whatever reason, it still took me 35 minutes to be ready to walk out the door. I will never understand this phenomenon- I like to blame it on the children when we are trying to rush out the door in the mornings for school (“Seriously, for the love, I have told you 25 times to GET YOUR SHOES ON!”), but there are other times when I have no one else to possibly blame, and I cannot figure out for the life of me why it is so difficult to step out the door, get in the car and go. Thank goodness I work from home- I would never be able to make it to an office consistently on time. 

I am not known for being on time very often, and it was something that frustrated Todd to no end at the start of our relationship. It’s not that I’m trying to be rude, or that I don’t care, I just CANNOT get out of my house on time. Todd was very much the opposite and if he was not 15 minutes early, he felt that he was late. So these 35 minutes that I took to be fully ready to actually get in the car were torture for him. He had promised his friend we would be there to pick him up by 4, and as we left the house at 4:03, he looked at me, shook his head, smiled and said “You’re lucky that he runs on the same time clock as you, and he probably won’t even be ready by the time we get there.” He was right, and I had never felt closer to his friend than I did that afternoon. 

Because we were delayed in getting on the road, and we had to drive right through the city of Atlanta, we spent A LOT of time in the car. Traffic was not the worst I’ve ever dealt with, but on a Friday afternoon, it was not great. But it meant we got to spend all that time together, focused on conversation and each other. We held hands and Todd told me all about where he grew up, in Houma, Louisiana, and how much he wanted to bring me there and introduce me to the place he came from. We talked about work, both mine and his, since his best friend and boss was in the car with us. We talked a little about the following weekend and a trip to New York that we were all taking together. 

We arrived in Chattanooga and found our way into the condo. In true Todd fashion, he had found the best of the best. It was a beautiful condo, located right next to a bar and close to downtown and restaurants of all kinds. We ended up at an Irish pub and bar for dinner, and then headed back to the condo to crawl into bed a little early, as they were supposed to be up early to run the course for the race. I’ll be honest- neither one of us slept well that night. Todd was up and down frequently- he was not feeling well. I chalked up my inability to sleep to his restlessness, but now I wish I had paid closer attention to my own uneasy feelings. He told me he was just having some indigestion, and he finally fell into a restful sleep around 4:30 a.m. 

We woke up again at 6 a.m. to read that due to weather in the area, the run had been canceled, and went straight back to sleep. We spent a lazy morning in bed, talking about what we could do during the day since we had all day with no plans until dinner time. Around 10 a.m. we got up and went for brunch. Again, using his charm, Todd secured us a table without having to wait, even though there were plenty of other people waiting. We had a fantastic brunch. We went back to the condo, and because we hadn’t slept much the night before, we went straight back to bed to nap. With no other obligations or responsibilities, we spent time just talking. 

Because I couldn’t place that uneasy, restless feeling from the night before, I told him that I needed some affirmation and asked him what it was he loved about me. I told him that I felt he had been too busy with work lately and he had started rushing out the door without kissing me goodbye, and I needed him to focus on doing that more. He told me that he felt too stressed and that he wanted to slow down and spend more time with the family, because life is short and he just wanted to be happy. We talked about how happy we both were to have found love again, and he said that all he wanted when it was his time to go was to know that he was loved.  

At some point that afternoon, he left me relaxing and watching a movie and went to the store to get a few things he needed for the bike ride the next day. While he was out, he bought himself a new pair of shoes- just because he didn’t have that particular pair in that particular color yet. When he got back from the store, his friend and I bullied him into playing Chinese checkers. Todd was not one to settle in to play a board game- ever. He had a high energy level and short attention span and could not focus through a whole game. We played a lot of card games, but not board games. So when I forced him to sit next to me at the table to play a game I hadn’t played since I was young, it was a miracle. While we were all playing based on rules that we remembered from years ago, Todd found a way to cheat. Instead of moving his marbles to his own triangle, he moved them into ours, which meant we had no way of getting our marbles in place. We did google the rules, and I read to him- straight from the expertise of the internet- that there were no specific rules against blocking others from moving into their zone BECAUSE NO ONE WOULD TRY TO PLAY THAT WAY. Oh how he laughed at that one. 

Following the game, we went back to bed again to watch a movie. Todd ran to the drug store to pick up some Pepto-Bismol as he was still dealing with indigestion. Then he laid down with me and we watched TV until it was time to get ready for dinner. He made fun of me because I had packed a white shirt to wear to dinner. I am notorious for dropping food and sauce on myself. Every. Single. Meal. But still- he kissed me and told me I looked beautiful. Then we headed to the restaurant. Dinner was nice and conversation was easy. True to form, I spilled on my shirt, although Todd was the only one who noticed (I hope). We went back to the condo and again, went to bed early, due to the early morning bike ride. 

As we went to sleep, Todd held me close and told me he loved me. I rubbed his shoulder- this was a habit I had every night. We discovered early on in our relationship that my love language with him was physical touch and it would drive him nuts. He was not someone who needed to be touched often. I told him at one point that all he needed to do was hold my hand for five minutes, and I would leave him alone the rest of the day. It worked- although it was not something he remembered often. As we drove down the highway, I was always either holding his hand or resting my hand on his side. At night, I would put my hand on his shoulder and kiss him good night. My hand would stay where it was- every night for 30 seconds after we kissed good night I would pray for Todd- with my hand on him- and ask God to calm his mind and allow him the rest he needed. There were other more specific requests depending on what was happening in life, but typically it was just to give him the peace and rest he deserved. 

When the alarm went off before 6 a.m. I was tired. I was in and out of sleep while Todd got ready, and he woke me up when he was ready to leave. He got back into bed with me- fully geared up for the ride- and held me close. He told me he loved me, kissed me goodbye, and told me he would call me when they were done with the ride and we would find a nice place for brunch. 

And that was it, y’all. I burrowed back into the pillow and fell back to sleep. I woke up and took a shower, got dressed and ready, and sat down with a book. Shortly after 10 a.m., his friend called and told me Todd had passed out, and I needed to head to the hospital. Not fully understanding the gravity of the situation, I packed a bag of clothes for Todd to change into, as I knew he wouldn’t want to be in his bike uniform for long. On the drive to the hospital, I was trying to gauge just how mad he was going to be that they had brought him to the hospital, instead of just letting him recover on his own after passing out. He had refused the ambulance during prior “episodes” so I was surprised he had allowed it this time. 

I parked outside of the emergency room and headed inside. They had me change out my mask for one of theirs. I stood waiting for the intake nurse to finish with a patient before directing me to Todd. Todd’s friends who had been on the ride with him arrived shortly before the hospital staff led us back to a small waiting room. As they began asking for insurance information, and his social security number, and confirming that I would have been listed in his phone as Jill Early, my mind started to go numb. I knew what was coming before the doctor entered the room. 

As I sat across from her, I could only focus on her red lipstick, which matched her red hair and her red sneakers. I remember pressing my hands together, physically trying to hold myself together as she started her explanation with three little words, “He didn’t survive.” There was more. I know there was. Something about the efforts that went into bringing him back. 

But my focus was on pressing each one of my fingertips to its match as hard as I possibly could- so much so that I ended up with half-moon indents on each fingertip from my nails. Although I couldn’t speak, my mind was screaming. I had already lived through my hard season. I was supposed to live happily ever after. I’d already been through total devastation, been abandoned and left alone through my divorce. I wasn’t ready for another heavy season. “I’M TOO YOUNG FOR THIS.” I could see my entire future falling apart as I felt each crescent shaped nail press into the opposing finger tip. 

Thankfully, his best friend who he loved and respected was in the room with me. As I looked at him, the room came back into focus and my immediate thought was, “How am I supposed to tell the girls?” We were two hours from home. I knew that as soon as I asked Hayley if she had someone at the house with her, she would know exactly what I was going to say. Todd’s friend had not had my phone number while they were on the ride, so he had to call her to get my contact information- she was aware that something had happened and that Todd had been transported to the hospital. She was waiting for my update. Todd’s friend contacted his son, a close family friend, and asked him to go to the house and contact us when he was in the driveway. 

The coroner came in to speak with me. He asked a series of questions, including if Todd had been feeling well. I started to answer with the immediate yes, but hesitated and remembered the sleepless night from Friday and the Pepto-Bismol the day before. Both were very out of character for Todd. We discussed Todd’s history of a heart valve condition and his “episodes.” The determination was made that there was no need for an autopsy, and cause of death was determined to be myocardial infarction. 

After the coroner left, the chaplain came in to sit with me. As I explained that Todd had two daughters that had lost their mom to cancer just three short years ago, the call came that the family friend was in the driveway at the house. I had to make the most difficult call I’ve ever had to make. I will forever wish that we had been closer to home, and that I could have held the girls in person as the news was delivered. 

I was able to spend time with Todd before leaving the hospital. The chaplain prayed over him with me- I rubbed his shoulder in the same place I had been praying over him every night for the last two years. 

I don’t remember much more about those first few hours. I know I called my parents, my sister, and, ironically, my ex-husband while I sat on the same couch I had been on when the doctor delivered the news. My family immediately jumped into action to figure out how quickly they could be by my side. I had to call my ex-husband to ask him to keep the boys an extra night and get them to school in the morning, as I wasn’t quite sure how to explain what had happened to my three boys- whose hearts I had protected so fiercely following the divorce- never introducing them to anyone until Todd. To his credit, he immediately offered to drive up and pick me up in Chattanooga to drive me home, if I was alone. It was not necessary, but it was a detail that meant a lot in the moment, and I think speaks to how a divorce- as difficult as it can be- doesn’t mean that you need to be enemies with that person forever. 

I also remember quite clearly the moment I walked out of the hospital doors. The first moment of fresh air in a world where Todd was no longer here. As I looked to the side of the emergency room doors, I saw the doctor who had come to tell me Todd hadn’t survived was sitting down on the curb, red shoes and all, head in hands. I’m not sure who she is or what she was dealing with that day, but every time I have had to pull out his death certificate or name the physician who treated him that day for whatever legal reason or another that comes up in the aftermath of losing a spouse, I try to say a little prayer for her, as I cannot imagine doing a job such as that.

By the time I left Todd’s side and walked out of the hospital, I started receiving calls from the family. Hayley had been busy and contacted those who needed to know. I was glad to have that weight off my shoulders as I headed back to the condo to pack up the rest of our things so we could head home and take care of what needed to be done. As we drove out of the city, the thought crossed my mind that I would always and forever shudder when I thought of this city where we had so many good memories. 

Six weeks later, I packed the kids into the car and we once again made the two-hour drive to Chattanooga, this time so we could be on the sidelines of the race Todd was supposed to compete in to cheer on Todd’s friend, who had decided to complete the race in his honor. In the weeks leading up to the race, I had notified his friend that I would like to be there to honor Todd, but I could not face staying in the same condo again- as beautiful as it was and as much as it would have worked for us. Because we were getting close to the date of the race, there were not a lot of room options available. Todd’s friend agreed to make hotel arrangements and when the text came through that rooms had been booked at the Moxy hotel, I had to smile. It wasn’t the condo, so I wouldn’t have to face memories of the last time I saw him alive, but I felt like God was making sure I didn’t get through the weekend without facing the memories and sitting in my grief, processing my feelings, in the same hotel we stayed in on our first visit to this city. 

As we made our way to Chattanooga, his friends who were already there sent us a message with information on our dinner reservations for that night. They had made all the plans for the weekend- the only thing I did was reserve tickets to bring the kids into the aquarium during the race so we could escape the heat and enjoy the air conditioning (and all the fun the aquarium had to offer!)- there would be no bouncing from bar to Starbucks to bar this time around with five kids in tow. There was absolutely no way that Todd’s friends would have known of any places that might hold intense memories for me. I checked into the hotel with the kids (at the bar- it was still the exact same hotel that caters to millenials and NOT single parents traveling with kids under the age of 21).

We changed for dinner and started walking. As we crossed the street, I realized we were in the exact same spot where Todd had stopped to kiss me, excited over the fact that he was with me- THE Jill Early. As we walked further, a sense of deja vu washed over me and just taking a deep breath became a struggle. We walked straight into Feed Table & Tavern- yes, the same exact restaurant he and I went to on our first getaway together- and met the group for dinner. As I looked over the menu (and more specifically the cocktail options- I was traveling alone with five kids), I could hear him teasing me over my drink of choice on our first date- the Tipsy Housewife. I remembered the conversation he struck up with the table next to us over what they had ordered and how we ended up knowing what the couple was hoping to get out of their weekend away because Todd just had that effect on people. 

The coincidence of his friends unknowingly booking the same hotel where he and I stayed on our first trip was enough to make me smile. But the additional coincidence of walking to and eating at the same restaurant we ate at on that first trip  was almost too much, considering how many excellent restaurants are available in Chattanooga. As I faced all the memories that were flooding in through the weekend, I realized that this was a clear message that I was supposed to hold tight to those happy memories from our first visit to the city, rather than the devastating memories of our last trip. These were the red balloons on a weekend where there was a lot to mourn.

We were up early the next day, although not quite as early as I had been when I was there with Todd for his race. We all wore t-shirts his friends had made in his honor. We had an excellent breakfast and headed to the aquarium, where we were able to watch his friends transition from bike to run from the air conditioned halls overlooking the race course. The children were all in a mood and pushed every one of my buttons. As we walked to lunch, we discovered that every one of Hayley’s memories from when she was really little and had been in Chattanooga to watch Todd race were real- we found the giant chairs she remembered, as well as the brick boat. We grabbed ice cream and played Heads Up! while we waited for his friends to reach the finish line area. 

It was incredibly difficult for me to join in the energy, enthusiasm and support for each finisher as they got close to the finish line, and I kept finding myself watching for him to come around the corner, break into a grin from seeing us at the finish line waiting for him and point to us to let us know he knew we were there to support him. 

2 Timothy 4:7 – I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith

This was the verse we used at his funeral as it speaks to his life so perfectly. And I have to believe that because he has finished his race first- by the time we all cross the finish line of our own personal race, he’s going to be there, waiting for us, and I can’t wait to break into a grin and point right back at him, letting him know that as hard as this life is to live without him physically here, I knew he was there to support me the whole time.