red balloons

Happy new year! I understand that it’s actually January 8th, but this is just how my life goes- I’m typically pretty late to the party in all ways- but once I get there, I always have a good time- so with that said- happy new year! (If I could add sparkles and glitter here, I would.)

I thought I would add a quick check-in on life around here since it has once again been months since I have had time to post. We had a wildly busy but lovely holiday season.

November flew by- if I knew how to add a small picture here (#thingsIplantoworkonthisyear), I would show you my desk calendar for the month. I try to color coordinate events for each person in the house. It was really a rainbow on every single day. 

We spent Thanksgiving at home. Our plans bounced around a good bit, between possibly visiting family in Minnesota, getting a cabin in the mountains, or visiting family in Louisiana. However, due to the strong and early flu season, at least half the crew was down 80% of the month, and we didn’t want to worry about infecting others, so we ended up with a quiet, lovely week at home. Thanksgiving day was spent together, with all five kids home. Jack helped me make homemade pies for the first time on Wednesday night, and I spent the day making our feast. We ate a late lunch/early dinner feast, played card games and the kids each got to open one gift to kick off the holiday season. The gift was a set of matching holiday pjs, which is a tradition I just started last year. Then we settled in to watch National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. Or to be more accurate, I watched the movie. The children don’t find it funny yet. But since this has been my tradition for forever, they will continue to look at their phones while sitting on the couch with me while I watch it and laugh hysterically. 

December was also a blur. It is only January 8th, but I am having trouble actually remembering what was going on. I know Mason started basketball, which meant practice during the week and games on Saturdays and Sundays. Alex continued on this new post-football season routine of waking up at 6 a.m., making his bed, doing a full workout with his free weights and pull up bar, and making himself two eggs and ham for breakfast, which always makes me feel like I should have more motivation to do the same but really I just hope he keeps doing it on his own. Kylie had numerous “winter spectacular” showcases for her theater and dance classes. Jack was stressing over taking the SAT and preparing for finals. My job was busy and I worked a lot of late hours (at least until I was able to take some much needed and much earned time off for the end of the year). 

But in the middle of all that, I was just trying to work through how much the holidays are just hard. The holidays are hard for those who are grieving. Particularly in this brutal year two of grief. I always like to be optimistic and uplifting, and I’m so sorry to say this if you are still in your first year of loss, but all those articles and books that say that year two gets harder- they are not wrong. We are at a stage where it is no longer a mindset of “If I can just get through this first (birthday, anniversary, death anniversary, holiday), then things will be better.” Now we are in the “Here we are again. He’s still not here and he never will be again and I still miss him” stage. This is where grievers really need others to be supportive and understanding. This is when you have to draw the hard lines of boundaries regarding what your heart can handle and when everyone else needs to support whatever that boundary is. 

Last year, I was able to basically ignore the Christmas holiday. I was incredibly blessed that Todd and I had booked a trip in January 2021 to take all the children to Orlando and Disney World and Universal Studios for their winter break in February 2021. In the days leading up to the trip, the boys went out for dinner with their dad, who then called the next day to let me know he had tested positive for COVID. We had the boys tested the following day, and one of them tested positive, followed by a second coming down with all the same symptoms, which led to our first bout of quarantine in this house. And it led to a canceled trip to Orlando. However, when you cancel those plans, there is no refund. You are just able to reschedule your trip. Which we did not have a chance to do before Todd died in April 2021. Which meant that I had a free trip to Orlando just waiting to serve as one giant distraction for Christmas 2021. So as we jumped from park to park during that holiday week, and as the kids told me thank you for bringing them over and over, I actually had to text a friend to ask her to remind me when it was time for Santa to come visit. I had a small Christmas wreath put out in the hotel room, and that was where Santa left his goodies. I considered this trip to be a huge red balloon- it was exactly what we needed to survive the holidays in that first year. 

Heading into the holidays this year (well- 2022), I was well aware that there were no more free trips waiting for us. I was determined to feel a spark of that holiday magic and joy, even if I had to dig deep to find it. For me, that meant going home again for Christmas. I hadn’t been home for a “normal” Christmas since 2018. In 2019, Todd and I had just gotten married and we didn’t make it up to visit Minnesota until after Christmas- just in time to celebrate the new year. In 2020, we spent Christmas in Louisiana with the Domangue family. In 2021, the kids and I were in Florida. So I wanted to try to go back to my roots and see if that brought back the magic. 

Kylie and I left to drive to Minnesota on a Friday, with the intention of arriving on Saturday with plenty of time to spend with family. On Saturday afternoon, as we made our way through the state of Iowa, there was snow and ice and as we slid through an entire freeway interchange because it was glare ice and I had zero control of the car, I decided that we were done for the day. We found the nearest hotel- which happened to be a Best Western “Holiday Lodge” and stopped there for the night. Although my hopes were high that I might be living out a Hallmark Christmas movie, the only men in flannels at the bar attached to the hotel were about 80 years old and none of them needed my help saving their business from the big, bad developer. But Kylie and I did enjoy a really great brownie for dessert. 

On Sunday morning, we woke up to sunshine and clear roads, so we made it the rest of the way to the airport in Minneapolis to pick up the boys, who had finished celebrating Christmas with their dad’s family in Chicago and flew directly to Minnesota to join us. I’m aware that many people might be shaking their heads and asking why in the world Kylie and I did not just fly into Minnesota, since we had to be at the airport anyway. Please know I wish that we could have, and in the future I’m going to have to make that happen, but this year, one of my firm boundaries was that my anxiety would not allow me to get on an airplane (#thingsIplantoworkonthisyear). I cannot explain it and I would love for a simple CBD oil solution to fix it, but that’s not where I am on my healing journey yet, so Kylie and I were spending time singing along to Disney tunes for hours.

Once the boys were loaded in the car, we were able to go and watch my nephew play hockey, which was really fun to see. Then my parents took most of the kids home, while I took my nephew and Mason with me to go see the Minnesota Timberwolves game. Growing up, I was always more of a hockey fan than basketball, but since Mason loves to play, and I do love watching him play, it was fun to take him to a professional game and watch him take it all in. My niece also had the opportunity to dance at half-time of the game, which was also fun to watch. By the time I pulled into my parents’ house that night, I was exhausted. 

Hayley flew in and joined us all two days later, and she brought the best that Mother Nature had to offer right along with her. The high temperature was in the negative range, and with 10 inches of snow, then two days of blizzard warnings and hazardous outdoor conditions, the children didn’t get to spend quite as much time outside in the snow as they would have liked. Instead, because I took away electronics, we were inside baking cookies, putting together puzzles, playing card games and board games and watching movies. The kids each got a chance to go with my mom to the local help center and load boxes of food for those in need. Alex got to direct traffic in the parking lot for those families coming to pick up boxes (a questionable choice if you ask me…) I connected my phone to the bluetooth speaker and forced everyone to listen to some festive holiday music non-stop (FYI- the “Holiday Party” list was both explicit and majority rap- I don’t know where it came from!). We spent time with cousins, played some fun holiday games and had a big Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve. We made it to church for a Christmas Eve candlelight service. 

We had hard moments- heartbreaking tears and frustrations over how heavy our hearts were- but, between those moments, it really did feel like Christmas again. 

And during all of those activities, through the freezing cold temperatures and the inches of snow that accumulated while we were there, there was a bright red cardinal sitting on the deck of my parents’ house, looking in the window. I saw him the first day, and it made me smile. Then he continued to hang around. Todd’s brother sent the boys each a New Orleans sweatshirt and as I tried to take Mason’s picture in his, the cardinal was outside the door looking in. So the picture I took was of Mason looking at the bird and the bird looking at him. 

In the middle of the peaceful, white landscape of snow, that little spot of red kept a smile on my face and a warmth in my heart, knowing that even though the holiday season was so hard without him physically present, Todd was there for every moment. And that was my holiday red balloon.

Now, we are back home (the drive home is like a whole story on its own- I won’t go into details now). The kids have returned to school, Christmas decorations are down and the house is in order, and I am ready to dive into my word of the year, which is “focus.” I’m going to start with focusing on cooking at home again (sorry to my delivery drivers who I am sure rely on me to put their kids through college!). I got an air fryer for my birthday on New Year’s Eve so I’m excited to learn a few recipes and actually provide homemade meals to the kids (#thingsIplantoworkonthisyear). (Again- late to the air fryer party but hoping I enjoy it here!) 

I’m also really hoping to focus on making sure I post more often (#thingsIplantoworkonthisyear). I appreciate everyone’s support and kind words and encouragement and look forward to providing more focus on this calling that has been on my heart. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season and have something to focus on in the new year as well!