red balloons

Hello again! My goal to start out the year is two posts per month, so I’m trying to sneak this one in before we roll into February- even though this weekend has been jam-packed with pageant prep, basketball games, Kylie’s first pageant (I’m so not a pageant mom!), more basketball games PLUS Kylie’s birthday party- which involves homemade cupcakes per her request, so guess what I am in the middle of while I type these thoughts? I have all the timers set and alarms will go off so hopefully nothing is burned.

I’m not sure how Monday morning will look, but I’m sure it might involve more than one cup of coffee to re-center myself before diving into next week, which includes work deadlines, doctor appointments, Bible study meetings, a girls’ night out, MORE basketball games, Mason’s birthday party and an afternoon at the movies with my friends (anyone else planning to see 80 for Brady? I CANNOT WAIT!). Most of this is fun stuff, but if I think about it too much, it’s exhausting- so we’re going to continue with the one-day-at-a-time mantra that has gotten me this far into the single parenthood journey… 

I briefly touched on my word of the year at the end of my last post. This is not something that I have done for long, but it was introduced to me through my job a few years ago and it’s something that has stuck with me. I spent some time at the end of 2022 really thinking about a word that would fit for where I am in life at this time, and the one word that kept coming back to me was “focus.” 

Now- I feel like I say this word A LOT. When the boys were younger and running all over the place, I would find myself reminding them (gently, every time, I swear- or as gently as my emotions in the moment would allow): “Focus! What are you supposed to be doing right now?”  It would stop them in their tracks every time. You could see their mind spinning as they tried to remember what my instructions to them had been (typically, it had been- pick up your toys, put on your pants, brush your teeth, eat your food- nothing too complex). And once they remembered what the instructions had been, they could get back to it. I’m not saying they did- but they then had the choice to do what they had been told.

As life continues to move forward and I continue to put the pieces of who I am and what I want to do with my life back together, I find myself more often than not with my mind running in a hundred different directions at once. With so many things to keep track of and so many needs to make sure get met for the kids, it can be hard to settle in on one train of thought for too long. So I’ve given myself permission this year to scold myself back into line with a gentle “Focus!”

I attended a creativity workshop a few weeks ago at a local church, and one of our activities was centered around what they referred to as a “Star Word.” I hadn’t heard of the practice of choosing a word referred to in that manner before, but I really liked it. Essentially, it means that you choose a life-guiding word on Epiphany Sunday to guide your spiritual journey for the year, similar to how the wise men followed the star to find Jesus. In this workshop, I was able to create a physical, watercolor reminder of my word that is now pinned up right next to my desk, so each day as I find myself distracted by a hundred different things, I can glance over and remember to focus. 

This whole practice of choosing a word for the year really got me thinking more about how much power one word can have. And reminds me of all those weeks and months where I wasn’t able to find a single word that truly expressed where my mind and my heart were. 

And I think that in those moments when we don’t have the words, it’s such a gift to be able to turn to the Word of God. We don’t have to have our own words. In the back of my Bible, I have an index of subjects, which lists out topics with the verse that speaks to them and page numbers to find the verse, as well as a concordance, which lists words as well as all the verses that speak to the word. I cannot say how many times I have searched those lists to find something that provided comfort for a specific moment. 

One of the words that I found during those moments is the word “lovely.” I have never in my life used this word as often as I have in the last 21 months. In my opinion, it seems like a very formal, old-fashioned word (and I know that I can speak/write in a formal, old-fashioned way, but this word was not one that I used often). It also seems soft in a way that I cannot explain. In the past, if I needed a descriptive word, I would have used stronger language- things like amazing, fantastic, perfect and wonderful. When I say that I lost my words for a good period of time after Todd died, I meant it. These strong adjectives are not always as easily used anymore. 

I have lived a lot of life in the last 21 months- daily parenthood, vacations, milestone birthdays for kids, major life decisions and holidays. It is what I know Todd would have wanted for me as well as the kids. But even when that life has seemed amazing, fantastic, perfect and wonderful, when anyone has asked “how was it?” I find myself only able to answer with “lovely.” Because it just doesn’t really seem like it meets the same threshold of amazing, fantastic, perfect and wonderful without Todd being in the middle of it. 

This is not to say that I do not appreciate the amazing, fantastic, perfect and wonderful way that life has presented itself- I am thankful everyday that we have been blessed with the life that we lead. There are many other challenges in life that we do not have to manage. It’s just that I have not been able to feel the full, heart-bursting happiness that was daily life with Todd. And it is what it is. And instead of dwelling on that, most days, I turn to my favorite life motto Bible verse:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. (Phillippians 4:8)

Without these words to focus on, without the reminder to look for the red balloons in life, I would be in a very different place today. And so, I would encourage you, whether it is you yourself or  someone you know, if you are in one of those dark places where words are lost, maybe give a gentle reminder (and I KNOW this is easier said than done- I’ve been in that place): “Focus. What are you supposed to be doing right now? …whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.” 

Even if what is true, right, excellent or praiseworthy is as basic as that you were able to open your eyes and breathe this morning, let that be the focus and the red balloon for the day. Even if what is true, right, excellent or praiseworthy is that you took a shower, let that be the focus and the red balloon for the day. Because what comes next is the comfort if you follow these instructions:

Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. (Phillippians 4:9)

The God of peace will be with you. What a comfort. It’s lovely. 

(P.S.- This day got away from me. I wrote this in the morning. Then the timer went off for cupcakes and now here I am- finally sitting down again. I just walked back in the door from Kylie’s birthday party and Mason’s basketball game (“just” is a relative term- I “just” walked in the door after unloading a car full of gifts, emptying a cooler full of drinks, then cleaned a kitchen sink full of dirty dishes from making cupcakes earlier today, cleaned out the fridge so that trash bins can be rolled out to the street before pickup tomorrow and put away two loads of laundry- then fed the animals their nightly treats, poured myself a glass of wine and now here we are…). I only have one word left for the day: Exhausted. So while I wanted to write something nice to close this post out- I’ll leave you with this- my focus today was birthdays and basketball. Everyone had a great time painting at the birthday party- we laughed while thinking about how Todd would have painted himself with really big muscles on a surfboard in the ocean of the scene we were painting, and we reflected on how much Christine, Kylie’s mom, would have loved the purple color we used for the sky. Mason had his best game yet, scoring in the double digits for the first time this season. We are counting today as “lovely.” Good night.)