red balloons

So- why use “red balloons” as a title for what is ultimately a love story? I can promise you it has nothing to do with Pennywise the Clown or the fact that IT was the only scary movie Todd and I ever watched together. 

Before I come to the exact moment I chose the title- and the why behind it- as a bit of background information- a balloon is defined as a noun as a “colorful bit of rubber that can be blown up or filled with helium” or as a verb to “become larger and rounder in shape; increase very quickly in amount or degree” and as a “children’s toy or decoration.” Balloons are a symbol of celebration for some. There is even a commonly used red balloon emoji that is frequently used to convey happy, exciting events.

My story does not always come across as being a celebration and is not always filled with happy, exciting events, although we did have a balloon artist at our wedding who brought so much joy- both through his balloons and the ridiculous story of how Todd hired him for the reception, as well as to be our own personal chef for breakfast the following morning at the mansion my sister rented for the weekend (more on that another time).  

We lined the drive to the farm where we held Todd’s celebration of life with purple, gold and green balloons in honor of the Mardi Gras celebrations that he loved so much. We littered the tables of his funeral lunch with the same. Again, not exactly happy, exciting events, although most definitely celebrations of a life very well lived. And symbols that at the time I didn’t know would mean more to me in the future.

As I did a little further research into what I really wanted to use as the title for my story, I found further mentions online of what a red balloon can stand for. If seen in a dream, a red balloon represents passion, and more specifically passion for another person. A red balloon can also signify how fragile love and happiness can be, especially the ease with which it can burst. That hit pretty close to home. 

To fully understand the origin of the red balloon in my relationship with my late husband, Todd, I first need to explain that my design taste has always been pretty subtle. As in- I’m terrified of color. It feels like a big commitment to me. And while I’m not saying that my personality is bland or neutral, I definitely like to be peaceful and to me anything in a pretty, neutral gray, white or beige brings that sense of peace. While I will occasionally commit to a tiny pop of color, most of my house is decorated with carefully selected neutrals. It is peaceful and lovely and allows me to breathe deeply when I need a moment to put myself together (which is only every other minute some days). 

While researching this tidbit about myself, I also discovered that there is apparently a thing called “color psychology” and I am fascinated and plan to spend a bit more time exploring this new information for myself. Color psychology is the study of colors in relation to human behavior. Per colorpsychology.org, white is the “universal symbolic color for purity, wholeness and innocence.” Also, “White is highly creative, and it invites reflection, openness, and awakening. It is a great color for those who want to declutter their minds and spaces, hence why it is often associated with cleanliness and order.” Based on the fact that there are many, many facets of my life that I have zero control over, and that have zero order, I completely understand why I gravitate toward a color that provides a sense of peace. 

To be fair, my favorite neutrals are sparkly gold and silver- and that feels more like my personality as well. I have always loved anything that sparkled, including wine, and I have the great privilege of being known among my friends’ daughters as the “fancy” friend who always has the most sparkly jewelry and accessories. This title is a tiny piece of my life, but one I hold dear and hope never changes. Even with all the dark and difficult circumstances surrounding me, I really hope I can be a sparkling light to anyone who needs it, and I would hope that’s what can be taken away from my story as well. 

Since I’m fixated on the ‘red’ balloons, to add a little more detail here as well- based on colorpsychology.org- red is the start of the rainbow, and one of the most evocative colors on the visible spectrum. As a primary color, it is a color entirely its own and can be associated with energy, strength, power, determination, passion, desire and love. It also attracts attention more than any other color. This color seems a perfect representation for Todd. His personality was in no way, shape or form in line with my need for neutral, whether it was white, gray or beige. 

Todd was also an art lover. The first time I went over to his house, he was excited to show me his favorite pieces of art. All the paintings hanging in his house were in bright, bold reds and blues and greens. I really came to understand this piece of him after visiting his hometown of New Orleans the first time. The culture and the people and the feel of the city are all larger than life- much like him- and his beloved paintings.

As he introduced me to his city and more specifically the French Quarter and as we walked down the street filled with artists painting in every direction, he ran into an old friend, and an artist that he had acquired three paintings from, New Orleans artist Danny Delancy. Each painting that Todd owned features the view of a rabbit from behind, wearing a tuxedo, holding a cane in one hand and three red balloons in the other. In the distant skyline of each piece is one additional red balloon. Todd explained that the rabbit was to represent your sense of humor, the tuxedo represents feeling good and being confident, the cane represents an ailment that you don’t allow to prevent you from moving forward in life, and the balloons represent what is important in life and holding onto what you cherish. 

For Todd, who lost his first wife, Christine, to cancer in 2018, these balloons were a symbol of his family. Christine was floating to heaven, and he and his two daughters were tethered together in this world. In the early days of our relationship, and as we were introducing and blending our families together, the red balloon text emoji was frequently used between the two of us as a symbol of our family members. 

Following his unexpected death, I’ve been lost. There is so much about it that I don’t understand and probably never will. Life goes on, whether we want it to or not. I’m learning how to live with the pain. But on a daily basis (ok, honestly, most days more like an hourly basis- I was a needy wife when he was alive and it really didn’t stop when he died…), I am asking God to send me a sign that Todd is still with me. And that what we had for such a very short time was real and that it mattered.

Memorial Day weekend 2021 was tough for me. I brought my step-daughter, Kylie, to see Todd’s family in New Orleans, and I made my first trip to visit his grave since the burial. On the long drive home to Georgia, alone in the car, I had a lot of time to think and try to process the visit. I said a quick prayer to please provide me with a sign that Todd was with me at that exact moment, and I asked more specifically (seriously- I can be needy) for that sign to come through in the next song that came on the radio. The next song came on and it hit me in stages:

• The name of the song was “Beautiful” by MercyMe. I thought “Oh how sweet- thank you God.” 
• Then, I listened to the lyrics and they pulled me in with “You were made for so much more than this.” Because really- I MUST have been. I don’t know what that means just yet, but honestly- there must be more. Than this. I am hopeful that I can pull myself together enough to be ready to recognize when that opportunity for more comes along, and really feel that sharing this incredible story is the next step.
• I glanced down to the display screen in my fancy new car (that Todd insisted on buying for me with his “Seriously babe, let me spoil you, please”) that displays the album name and cover when a new song begins. The name of the album was “The Generous Mr. Lovewell”- even as I started to cry, I had to laugh because OF COURSE Todd would go over the top with reminders of who he was- but the description fit him to a tee.
• But the album cover was what did me in. It was a silhouette of a man, holding a red balloon- so very similar to Todd’s beloved paintings- but the balloon was in the shape of a heart.

I have zero doubt that in that moment, God was giving me all the reassurance I could need through the image of a red balloon. As I reflect on my story, and on the many things I’ve been through at this point in my life, there are specific moments that I can identify where God clearly sent me a message or a sign- a red balloon- if only I was looking for it. They may not always have been as obvious as a bright red balloon, but those are the moments I hope to share, and those are the moments I hope can help someone else- through my perspective and experience in handling the “hard” that life throws at you.

I think these are lessons everyone needs to learn in the world we live in, although I would never wish anyone to learn it in this way. I have found that when I take those moments to breathe and become present in the moment, I’m able to find those red balloons from heaven.